Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sometimes we just don't see how ourselves are actually the cause of many undesirable effects.

Natsuki bought another stitch item 3/28/2010 06:12:00 PM

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Friday, March 19, 2010

Sometimes I think I have some mental illness. Perhaps 躁郁症，神经紧绷症? Haha, I know nobody will believe me. But I do pull my hair, slap myself and bang my head to the wall occasionally. Scary eh? But being able to say it here means I'm pretty alright, still normal. Why do I do that? When I feel that the whole world is against me and when something awful happens and I really dont't know what to do.

For the past few days, emotions just flood in.

Couple of things:

1. Schoolwork.

I really find school meaningless nowadays. School life is mundane.

Those modules I take, those prerequisites, those modules I'm totally not interested in just irritate me. I'm not an writer, neither am I an inspiring one. I don't understand why NEW MEDIA GOTTA DO WITH NEWS REPORTING. I really mean, newspaper's news reporting. I hate it! Everyday in the tutorials, I just can't concentrate. I just don't feel like listening. I really dislike that environment, which I don't know how to describe.

and... interactive media design. I dread it, dread every software we used. How is it going to help me in my life? I dun wanna be a f**king game designer. Okie, I can't blame anyone on it, it is not a prerequisite module.

Somehow, I felt that at least Governance in New Media is more useful.

Japanese............. I really felt disappointed in myself. If I can restart this semester, I think I'll really concentrate on Japanese Language. I hate it when I got back my quizzes and looked around, and realized everyone else is scoring full marks or near full marks while me just get a couple of marks. It just made me realised that I don't really like to lose in things I have great passion in...... Had a talk with Cindy on bus that day, it made me really wanna change this situation.....

2. Social Environment

I'm never good at sociability. But I dare to say I'm real good at judging people. Perhaps, I judge too much. Sometimes, I find myself landing in a space with no one I 看得顺眼。

There are just some people, who are so disgusting and fake and making friends with their own kind. I can actually imagine myself stabbing into their faces. Gosh, I must be crazy.....

我真的。。。没有办法再很大的社群当中生存。人的假面，虚伪，不公平对待，真的让我做呕。让我以人类的身份感到羞耻。To survive in a community, status and sociability are still very important. That is why, I tell Mingkee, I wanna live in the world of 珠光宝气。If I can't attain sociability, I'll get status and money to gain an competitive edge. 或许，我的命跟大势力的人比较有缘，我不应该为小事而耿耿于怀。

可是，当我觉悟，发现很多东西是要争取的时候。。。已经来不及了。

3. SEP, overseas program

It's official, I had missed every single chance to go to Japan for exchange or whatever program. Thanks to my laziness, and in-spontaneous Uni life. Don't you just dread youself, Gua Gua?

4. Weight

I can't slim down. Cos I can't stop eating. Eating is one of the very few enjoyable process I go through daily. Fat, I'm Fat.........

5. Clay

I'm not good enough. Never mind about the polymer clay or air dry clay thingy.. I'm just not good enough.

6. Period

My period comes once in every 3 months. I'm unhealthy.

7. Spine

My spine hurts once in awhile. I think it is affecting my organs.

There are many many reasons for me to get emo right now. If I pause my typing now, and think of all these, I think tears can drop immediately. Trivial as they may seem, but one thing goes wrong, the rest follow.

I remember Seehui saying how cheerful I am, smiling all the time even with the crazy stressful life of JC. Sad to say, I hadn't been smiling much these days. I used to cheer people up, but now I don't even know much about myself. I no longer smile to myself and tell myself "hahahaha, that's funny".... I get so paranoid that I'm afraid that I might drop bbk one day when I'm carrying here. What if something happen to her when I'm taking care of her？？？？？

Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. clinging onto what had been done and what that seemed unfair will not change history or anything right now. I hope that worries will go away with this post published.

All the best, friends.

Natsuki bought another stitch item 3/19/2010 11:16:00 PM

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